Anyone who knows anything about me knows I hate two things: Canada and French Canada. Seriously, I had to go out and buy like eight copies of New Avengers 16 when I heard the Flight was going to get rocked Ken Griffey Jr.'s hamstrings on a Stairmaster.
Naturally, when I heard Alpha Flight was going to be revived, another little piece of my soul shriveled up. But then I heard Johnny "Red" Walker was teaming up with Beta Ray Bill. I figured the chance that I could read about the two of them getting together and taking over Canada was worth the three bucks. At the very least I had to understand why BRB would be slumming it in Canada. I mean, I suppose it's possible his planet was quietly laughed at by all the other planets in his solar system because of its commitments to peace, hockey and three-piece prog rock bands, but I don't know. It's been a while since I read Simonson's Thor run, so I really don't remember.
PAGE 1: Huh. Canada put up a statue to commemorate Alpha Flight. Statue Puck looks like he's permanently staring up statue Guardian's ass. I hope statue Northstar isn't jealous.
So here's the premise. American criminals are fleeing into Canada because of the registration act. Call me crazy, but wouldn't supervillains not give two shits about the SHRA? And it took things coming to this to make them realize Canada is easy pickings? Jesus. Criminals really aren't a cowardly and superstitious lot. They're just stupid.
PAGE 4: What? Sasquatch is teaching school? And he's not Sasquatch-y? I thought that House of M refugee took him out? I call shenanigans.
PAGE 6: Oh SNAP! Wrecking Crew! Maybe this won't suck so hard after all.
PAGE 7: Good Christ. The head of the Canadian CIA is bitching about how this is all America's fault. On the Helicarrier no less. Nick Fury should pop out of a closet and put out a cigar on this guy's neck.
PAGE 9: Ok. Now they're going to explain why USAgent and Spider-Woman 2 (or whatever the hell she's calling herself now) are going to be patrolling the greater Regina area. It's about ti ... wait, what? The reason they're going up there is because Tony Stark feels like it's his fault villains are rampaging across Vancouver? Fuck that. Tony was a fifth of Jim Beam away from leveling Newfoundland because the puffins were looking at him funny.
PAGE 11: Hey, it's the story of the first Shaman. Now if only I could hear the tale of the original Katana, my life would be complete.
PAGE 12: Who the fuck is this broad? Why are there owls talking to her?
PAGE 14: The message of Omega Flight 1? Canada is populated only by snarky secret agents who hate America, and native Indians who haven't in the last 200 years figured out teepees get fucking cold in December.
PAGE 16: Wrecking Crew on a rampage! Go Piledriver! It's your birthday!
PAGE 18: Splash page of Sasquatch shouting "It ain't Captain America." Thanks for clearing that up.
PAGE 20/21: Last panel ends with Thunderball choking 'Quatch (Hey! I just found my new nickname for masturbation) saying, "When we get done with you, I'm going to use you for toilet paper." followed by Sasquatch's rejoinder, "RAAAAAA! No, I won't let it happen again."
Ummm. I'm pretty sure I didn't read the issue where it happened the first time. But if it involves the Rhino, 14 cups of coffee, a dozen bran muffins and a bowl of prunes, I'm going to start scouring eBay right ow.
PAGE 22: What? That's it? No Beta Ray Bill? I wasted three bucks on this America Sucks, Sasquatch Lovefest and all I got was a brief mention of USAgent and no BRB? Jesus. I haven't felt this ripped off since I bought all those Spider-Man 1 gold covers and had them slabbed.