World War Hulk: The story so awesome, they can't possibly screw it up. (pleaseletthatbetrue)

I was psyched for Identity Crisis.

I looked forward to Civil War.

I kind of got excited for Infinite Crisis.

I figured I'd try 52.

And I was so, so wrong every time.

Oh sure, I'll give you Annihilation. That one turned out pretty good. But no crossover in the last two years other than that has been worth reading.

But just like a battered wife, I can't wait for World War Hulk. (Oh comics, I know you only hurt me because you love.) Writer of the good-to-very-good Planet Hulk storyline, Greg Pak, spoke with CBR about Marvel's upcoming WWH event.

Look. This is a fight that's been brewing since 1963. All it needs to be -- the only freaking thing it should be -- is the Hulk coming back to earth ... and smashing.

It doesn't need to be an allegory for our times. It doesn't need to be about people taking sides, except maybe She-Hulk and Namor joining the Axis of Smash. It doesn't need to redefine the playing field of the Marvel Universe. It just needs to be Hulk doing what he does best. No, I don't mean taking a gamma bomb blast that should have put harmonica-tootin' retard Rick Jones in an early grave. I mean smashing.

I want to see S.H.I.E.L.D. veterans telling their grandkids about serving in Dubya-Dubya-Aitch. And I want those grandkids to have to ask what it felt like to be a human in the superwar. Then that S.H.I.E.L.D. agent will look little Janie in the eye and say, "Puny."

I want to see it take years to rebuild from the damage the Hulk has done to the country.

I want to see the rest of the heroes scared shitless about what will happen if they cross Hulk again. I want them to have to surrender or pray Thor comes back to wrestle old Purple Pants to a standstill.

It's so simple, so easy, so logical, so absolutely inevitable, that they can't possibly screw it up. But they will. How, you ask? Let's see:

• Deadlines. Hey, you remember that major Marvel crossover event that had all its parts ship on time? Yeah. Me too. I miss Inferno.
• Demand. You know what retailers are good at? Getting enough copies in of a popular book. My shop is pretty good compared to some of the scumholes I used to frequent, and I'm still fairly sure if I ever walked out of there with a copy of every book I went to get a couple of goons from Comic Shop Owners Local 616 come by and break my guy's kneecaps.
• The writers. Like I said, I like Pak. I think he does a good Hulk. But this is still a company that gives its highest-profile stuff to Paul Jenkins, Brian Michael Bendis, Jeph Loeb and Joss Whedon. And you know what? Teen Wolf Too and Buffy just aren't good enough to convince me to hand over the keys to the kingdom.
• Character development. Normally, I like a little meat in my comics, but this isn't a story that calls for any. This should be the crossover equivalent of Timecop. I don't care about what's happening or who's doing it. I just want to see the explosions. And The Watcher getting punched in the face.
  
• Characters, period. Pak already said that little genius kid is going to be instrumental in stirring the pot, getting the heroes to change sides. This doesn't need to be a Civil War rehash. For Christ's sake, please don't introduce new characters, bother us with z-listers or saddle the Hulk with an army he has to manage. The Hulk isn't a team player, remember? Or did we forget about The Defenders?
• M.O.D.O.K. He's probably not going to be used at all in World War Hulk. That's too bad.