The envelope please ...

And now, the Crappiest Selling Mainstream Comic of the Month, for February 2007 is ...

Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane 15

Congratulations Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane 15! You didn't sell as well as such luminaries as Lady Death: Pirate Queen, Sonic the Hedgehog 172 and Anita Blake Vampire Hunter: Guilty Pleasures 1 ... reorder. Well done, SMLMJ15!

Live fast, die young

One of my favorite new books of the last year has been Moon Knight. Great art, great writing.

Naturally, Huston and Finch are done with the book soon.

I'm sure it'll turn into another suckfest. Christ knows there hasn't been a Moon Knight series that's been consistently good in forever.

And you know why? Because I'm the kiss of death on books. Naturally, The Boys was the book I spent the most time raving about to anyone who would listen.

Take notice, Gray and Palmiotti. Jonah Hex is as doomed as Freddie Dukes' toilet on Mexican night.

Birds of Poop

I don't like Black Canary.

And I don't like Oracle (or Crippled Bat-Girl, as she's known around Bitter Comics Nerd headquarters).

Ditto that on the Huntress.

And I really disliked Ice. You remember Ice, the lesser half of Fire and Ice from the Giffen-Era Justice League.

So now she's in Birds of Prey (or BoP as all the cool nerds call it). So that gives me another reason not to buy that particular DC title.

Thanks Gail Simone!

Have we really come to this?

Look out, comics fans. Major news coming out of Birds of Prey 104! Looks like Ice is back. Also, Birds of Prey has reached ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR issues.

Why? WhywhywhywhyjesusfuckballsWHY?

First of all, let's review the great balance sheet of Giffen era Justice Leaguers. Blue Beetle? Dead. Max Lord? Dead. Skeets? Apparently evil, I guess? The Dibneys? Dead and messed up. Fire? Still lame, and working for Checkmate. But Ice? Oh, she's back.

Great. That makes up for Ted Kord taking a fucking bullet.

But back to my main point: Birds of Prey, 104 issues. That's just a shade under nine years of this crap-rag.

Series that have come and gone in that time? (or are so close to wrapping they may as well have)

• Lucifer
• Crusades
• Giffen's Suicide Squad
• Outlaw Nation
• Planetary
• Y: The Last Man
• Alias
• Gotham Central
• The Boys (temporarily)
• Anarky
• Tangled Web
• Orion

God. These are just ones I liked. I'm sure the complete list is pages upon pages.

Annihilus for President!

Ok, I'll admit I didn't see it coming until the end of the prologue issue. I'll cop to being stupid. I didn't put two and two together that Annihilation was going to be about, um, Annihilus.

I'll probably still be fooled if Annihilation: Conquest is about Kang. But don't expect me to fall for it a third time when they do Annihilation: Conquest: Rama-Tut'n It.

Hulk smash puny Power Pack

At the risk of covering too much Hulk ground too soon (as if there is such a thing), I admit that even though I won't be reading Hulk & Power Pack, I'm kind of intrigued by it.

I can only hope this is all just pretext for secretly pulling a bait and switch on this ostebsibly family title and tying it into World War Hulk by issue three.

Look, Reed voted to shoot the Hulk into space, so the Hulk gets to snap Franklin's fucking little neck. And then wipe out his friends for good measure. That's only fair.

Which I hope will then lead us to an epic Marvel miniseries exploring the five stages of grief. That's right. Fallen Son: Power Pack.

INT: The Sanctom Sanctorum of Stephen Strange.

Panel one: Dr. Strange sits in an overstuffed leather, stiff-back chair. The Eye of Agammoto and Cloak of Levitation hover in the corner. A marble ashtray on a stand holds a pipe sitting next to the chair. A book is open in his lap.

Panel two: (OP) Master?

Panel three: Dr. Strange looks up.

STRANGE: Enter, Wong.

Panel four: Wong bows, deferential.

WONG: Master, I come bearing grave news.

STRANGE: What is it, my faithful manservent?

WONG: There has been a terrible tragedy. Blood has been spilled.

STRANGE: By the Ancient One!

Panel five: Wong sheds a tear.

WONG: I'm afraid it's true.

STRANGE: Who? Vishanti's Scrotum, man! Tell me who! Was it Clea? Oh, Wong, tell me it wasn't my dearest love, Clea.

WONG: No, Watoomb be praised, it wasn't Clea.

STRANGE: Not my close friend Namor, then?

WONG: No, the mighty Atlantean is safe in body and soul.

STRANGE: Oh. Was it The Black Knight?

WONG: No.

STRANGE: Hank Pym?

WONG: No.

STRANGE: The mutant, there. The short one.

WONG: Puck? Nope.

STRANGE: Uhm. Dr. Druid?

WONG: No, he's been dead like 10 years. Son of Satan put him down. You made me order Dom Perignon and cigars to celebrate, remember?

STRANGE: Oh, right, right. Was it Moondragon then?

WONG: *snort* I wish.

STRANGE: Who then? I beg you, tell me who!

WONG: It was, tragically, Zero-G, Lightspeed, Mass Master, Engergizer and Tattletale.

Panel six: Dr. Strange looks blithely at Wong.

STRANGE: ...

Panel seven: Dr. Strange raises an eyebrow

STRANGE: The Power Pack?

WONG: It is my sad duty to bring this news to you.

STRANGE: You bothered me for the fucking POWER PACK?

WONG: Master, I thought you should --

STRANGE: Get the FUCK out of here, Wong! Go get me some motherFUCKING tea, before I shove a Crimson Band of Cyttorak up your MOTHERFUCKING ass.

Aaaaaand end scene.

News & Views

Just some random thoughts on comics:

Does John Byrne jingle change in his pocket when he yells at young comic creators to get off his lawn?

Does every British comic creator think of America as NASCAR and MySpace? Or just the really pretentious ones who create terrible characters and then shoehorn them into a side project of a highly anticipated mini?

Why didn't Jack Kirby just kick Stan Lee's ass?

Why didn't Steve Ditko?

Did Stan Lee apply the Marvel Method to scoring chicks? ('Ditko, you get her into bed and naked...then I'll f**k her.')

If Reggie Hudlin wrote 'House Party' and Reggie Hudlin writes Black Panther, then why isn't Full Force in Black Panther?

And why doesn't T'Challa have a high-top fade?

Why don't I have a high-top fade?

Why don't you have a high-top fade?

Who watches the Watchmen? Is it the Watcher? If it is, then who watches the Watcher watch the Watchmen?

Jeph Loeb wrote 'Commando.' Sylvester Stallone wrote 'Cobra.' Why couldn't the two collaborate on 'Cobra Commando?'